This week pushed me to exhaustion. I think the latest I stayed up was maybe 8:30pm. The sad part is that it will only get worse in the weeks to come as the company I work for is putting an addition on the building and to say things are a shit show is putting it mildly. Things are being moved around, walls have been torn down creating a haze in the air, a lot of people coughing and trying to get the layer of dust out of their mouths. My contacts continously were dried out and everything was just dirty.
On the bright side, a cat made its way into the building and it’s like have pet therapy. She’s a great cat, comes when you make noises, wanders around loves to be pet, and is just a sweety. Silver lining, I suppose.
But on to other things. I’m trying to figure out some things in my life and am not having a lot of success. It would be easy to continue on the way things are. That is why they say change is difficult. Because it is. The unknown tends to hold a lot of power. And with that power comes fear. And with that fear sometimes comes deciding not to change. And the vicious circle starts again. And again. So how do we take that leap of faith when there is a lot on the line? I don’t know, otherwise I would’ve done it by now. Believing in yourself is hard, at least for some people. I am “some people”. I’m not sure what created me to be this way. Maybe lack of support or maybe past failures. I don’t know….
What I do know is I am capable and I have some brains rolling around in my head, but what stops me is the “what ifs”, the “then whats”, the failures at other expense. Security is defined as the freedom from fear or anxiety. What I don’t see in that definition though is happiness. I guess it just has to be something that is weighed out. I wonder what will win the in end.