I went through my friend list on Facebook over and over. I paused at some names, skipped over others and managed to relive a lot of memories in that time. I ended up removing 111 people. Some were people who had duplicate accounts, some were people I’ve had no contact with in years, some were people who I didn’t think would care either way. If they do then I’ll hear from them.
But then there were the ones that have passed on. And there were more than I expected (11). I cannot bring myself to remove them from my list. I just can’t. I paused at each of them, remembering things we said to each other, the relationship we had, remembering the ones who fought hard hard battles. Cancer took more than half of these people. When you have had cancer, you meet others who have or had cancer. They become family. They know what you know. They feel how you feel. There is no way to explain that journey with anyone who has not experienced it. Yes, there are those who have had a scare, those who watched a loved one go through it (which I have also done), but as far as living through it, it’s different. I found out a co worker had breast cancer as well. You should have seen us going back and forth, telling our story to each other, speaking the lingo that goes with breast cancer, ER+ or ER-, Her2+, braca genes, talking about the choices we had to make, the surgeries….oh all of the surgeries. It really does become somewhat of a club. Except the dues, some of us pay with our lives. Others of us pay with life long anxiety of what the future holds, a PTSD of sorts. As time goes on, the fears nestle themselves into the corner of your brain. Never gone, but laying dormant.
Fof those of you reading this who knew and loved someone on my friend list who has passed, I just want you to know that they were in my thoughts as I looked back on their page. I’m grateful to have known them and had them as a friend.
But for now, I push forward with my less is more way of thinking. My next goal is to make a list of 21 things I want to accomplish this year. 21 things that will improve my life and my outlook. I’ve got some thinking to do.